To Repel Evil E-mails From Tomorrow’s In-box
Set your laptop to its lowest brightness setting. Delete every marketing e-mail from your Promotions tab as you hum this chant:
God of Gmail, god of might,
Stop my unread work e-mails
From growing overnight.
Expel all electronic threads,
Bind Caleb from claiming he’s “confused.”
Halt missives with “E.O.D.,” “C.O.B.,” or “Q2 K.P.I.s.”
Fly away, morning newsletters,
Go, go, go!
To Reassure Yourself That You Made the Most of the Weekend
Stand in front of your dresser and place a fingertip on its dusty surface. Trace a smiley face and say:
The sun is setting; Monday nears.
Daemon of leisure, comfort me now.
Did I spend too much time lying down?
Banish these fears, for
I did drop off a large bag of clothes
At Goodwill.
To Stay Present and Enjoy a TV Show Playing on Your Laptop in These Dwindling Moments of Freedom
Melt two scoops of chocolate ice cream in a dish. Open Hulu as you drink the lukewarm ice liquid and gurgle:
Begone, Sunday Scaries.
Soar back to your master
Across the celestial plane.
Let me revel in this classic episode of
“The Mindy Project.”
Monday Dread, I cast you out!
I will revisit Mindy and Danny’s
Budding romance.
I shall press play—
I shall not back down.
To Create a Protective Circle
In the course of several days, deposit your dirty clothes on the floor. Then, on Sunday evening, arrange them in a circle around your bed. Stand within the circle, raise your arms to your ceiling, and say:
I call upon the power of the sun
And the glow of the moon.
May this sacred laundry circle shield me from
Sunday spirits on this night.
When I sit on my bed,
The shield will be cast.
No weekday fright shall pass.
To Just Focus on a Book
Fasten the clip-on light that your mom sent you to a paperback endorsed by the Read with Jenna book club. Click it on and off three times as you murmur these verses:
O, clip-on tome torch,
May you help my brain focus
On these compelling family scenes
Instead of on how I’ll feel at 5:45
When the alarm beeps.
Hear my chant, hear it right,
O gooseneck book lamp,
With three settings of
Gentle light.
For Forgotten Chores
Place clear quartz and hematite crystals under your pillow. Tear your weekend to-do list into itty bits. Sprinkle them around the pillow as you chant:
I call upon thee, gods of tasks, to help me!
I forgot to change my sheets.
Aid me to awaken, to lunge and pull
With all my might.
Oof—there! The bed I made,
Now all is fresh and clean
(Except that laundry).
For General Defense Against Chat Calamities
Light a rose-scented candle, burn a slip of paper inscribed with your expired Workday login and recite the following:
May this candle protect me, and,
Above all, keep away
Caleb’s Slacks that just say, “Hey.”
To Prevent Apartment Fires
Blow out the candle from the previous spell. You don’t need it anymore. Now sing:
Whoops—this candle I must snuff
So that the flame does not catch.
If it spread, that would be
Very bad indeed, since
I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
To Push Back Scaries One More Day
On your bedside table, create an altar of smooth beach pebbles, stock photos of Adirondack chairs, and your phone, opened to the calendar app. Then whisper:
Good night, Sunday Scaries.
Lights out, see ya.
I’m going to sleep.
WAIT!
My iPhone says that tomorrow
Is a holiday?! Great!
But that means that tomorrow night,
The Scaries repeat. ♦