Things Parents Have to Watch Out for This Halloween

Candy that looks funny (not ha ha).

Candy that has been laced with drugs by someone you know has mediocre drugs.

Candy that has been laced with drugs that were not purchased from a U.S. health provider with the appropriate thousand-per-cent markup.

Candy that has been laced with beautiful eighteenth-century stitching—a true collector’s item that could fetch top dollar at the antiques fair and would be wasted on a child’s digestive system.

Candy that is, in fact, a part of John Candy, the late actor.

Children saying “boo.”

Children saying “boo hoo.” (They may be crying.)

Children saying “boob.” (It is naughty.)

Fear itself.

F.D.R. himself.

An animatronic skeleton in a doorway that, when you pass by, springs up and slams you in the crotch with a baseball bat and then yells “fore”—which is not the correct sports reference—in a creepy voice.

Someone handing out Nutri-Grain bars.

Anyone dressed in an unusual way, or who looks like they may be wearing some sort of disguise.

An animatronic jack-o’-lantern in a doorway that, when you pass by, springs up and slams your children with the realities of climate change and what it means for their generation.

The guy who stole my wallet a while back.

A woman pretending to be a witch being burned at the stake. (If you come close, she will just take your wallet.)

People legitimately collecting money for charity. (They just want a reasonable portion of the contents of your wallet.)

The man with the crab claws. Trust me.

The man who is handing out crab claws instead of candy. (Even the original crab-claw guy isn’t into it.)

A child with a boyish grin that reveals a terrifying set of teeth ruined by cavities.

Mr. Murder.

Ms. Death.

Viscount Shingles.

False information on the Internet.

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