Interviewer: I understand that you have something you’d like to share with the public?
Stork: Thanks for the opportunity to get my side of the story out there. I’ve seen a lot of really hateful things posted about me online since “the incident.”
Interviewer: You’re referring to the uproar surrounding your alleged dropping of a child into a cornfield last month?
Stork: I regret that my actions have caused pain, but together we can grow from this. I’m committed to making the situation better for all dangling babies, and I’ve met with several organizations dedicated to making the ground softer. We can talk about “irresponsible birds” until we’re blue in the beak, but ultimately the real issue is with the hardness of the earth.
Interviewer: So you’re blaming . . . the ground?
Stork: I’m not trying to point fingers here, because I don’t have any—you’re thinking of people hands. But this unfortunate accident has opened my eyes. I understand now that parents get upset when their kids fall from up high. This is all new to me, and things are changing so fast. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of squawking. It’s time to listen.
Interviewer: This sounds like your publicist talking. I want to hear from you.
Stork: Look, this whole thing has been blown out of proportion. Frankly, it’s total bullshit. I always try to do my best, but kids are heavy and my beak is slick. Once in a while, one slips out. It’s no big deal.
Interviewer: It seems like it is.
Stork: Babies are bouncy and they heal quick! You know, sometimes they’re better off after the drop!
Interviewer: Is that true?
Stork: No. They get hurt real bad.
Interviewer: You seem unapologetic.
Stork: I probably shouldn’t say this, but that kid was no angel. First off, he smelled. I mean, who doesn’t wash themselves before travel? That’s mad disrespectful. Plus, he was crying the whole time, and wouldn’t stop squirming in his blankie. Anyone would have dropped him—that’s not on me.
Interviewer: I’ve heard rumors that you deliver drunk.
Stork: That’s a damn lie! Have I had a few drinks before a delivery to take the edge off? Sure. All the storks do it. They’ve got us flying ninety hours a week, so birds are popping Adderall like Tic Tacs to stay awake up there! I know it sucks for the kid I dropped, but what about me? My life is screwed because of this! I’ve been suspended from the flock, and have to piss in a cup every week while my probation pelican watches. And now no one will hire me because I have a record. I just signed a mortgage on a three-eggroom nest and have a new chick on the way.
Interviewer: How would you feel if someone dropped them?
Stork: You smug son of a bitch. ♦