My Life’s Accomplishments and Their Ideal Audiences

Accomplishment: Not burning a five-step, make-ahead, organic sheet-pan breakfast and getting my family fed, dressed, and out the door on time.

Who I Hope Saw It: My mother.

Accomplishment: Ordering a coffee and an egg sandwich from the bodega authoritatively, and without sowing massive confusion.

Who I Hope Saw It: The twentysomething in line behind me, wearing those really cute boots I briefly considered buying before deciding I couldn’t pull them off.

Accomplishment: Charmingly spilling my coffee when I jump back onto the sidewalk after a taxi makes a sudden left turn without signalling.

Who I Hope Saw It: The cute guy sitting outside a nearby café, staring aimlessly in my general direction.

Accomplishment: Gracefully accepting a certificate of appreciation, printed on non-recycled paper, for spearheading our firm’s green-workplace initiative, five minutes after discovering that I would not be receiving a promotion—again.

Who I Hope Saw It: The junior intern I have been mentoring and whom I recently lectured on the importance of being a team player.

Accomplishment: Successfully parallel-parking my S.U.V. in under ten minutes while my toddler makes piercing siren noises in the back seat.

Who I Hope Saw It: The dad at pickup who I thought was coming over to welcome me to the school but actually politely corrected me in front of everyone because he thought I was a nanny.

Accomplishment: Graduating at the top of my Ivy League law-school class and immediately winning a huge class-action lawsuit.

Who I Hope Saw It: A work friend who once “accidentally” cc’d me on an e-mail describing me as difficult and snobby after I reminded her of a deadline.

Accomplishment: Publishing a groundbreaking memoir that becomes a New York Times best-seller.

Who I Hope Saw It: That one mom in play group who is always weird about taking her shoes off in my house even though all her disgusting children never wash their hands.

Accomplishment: Winning the Pulitzer Prize for the aforementioned book.

Who I Hope Saw It: That economics professor who threatened to fail me for making his sandwich incorrectly when he had actually just eaten someone else’s sandwich but didn’t hear my explanation because he was yelling so loudly.

Accomplishment: Being invited by my alma mater to be the youngest-ever keynote graduation speaker, in recognition of my astounding achievements in both the legal and literary worlds.

Who I Hope Saw It: The college crush who refused to even consider dating me despite routinely telling me that I was exactly his type before, during, and after sex.

Accomplishment: Starring in an award-winning film about my life as a global philanthropist, writer, lawyer—and, of course, mother—despite many talented young actresses having begged to play me.

Who I Hope Saw It: The girl at camp who told everyone that I smelled like mothballs—including Sam Marsden, whom she knew I wanted to be my first kiss, but she, like, didn’t even care.

Accomplishment: Becoming the first non-scientific, non-military, non-billionaire person in space, following a rigorous and competitive assessment of my looks and winning personality.

Who I Hope Saw It: My ex-boyfriend who always apologized by saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Accomplishment: Landing on the moon.

Who I Hope Saw It: My mother. ♦

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