The Trump White House’s Election Night Specialty-Cocktail Menu

As released this week by the House select committee investigating the January 6th attack on the Capitol.

The America’s Mayor

Gin, gin, gin, and just a whisper of hair dye. No, a rivulet. Garnished with gin.

The Javanka

Two blocks of ice served in a stiff wooden cup. That’s it. You’d think there’d be more, but there’s not. (Sources close to the blocks of ice say that they disapprove of excessive Election Night alcohol consumption and have expressed that view to the President repeatedly, in private.)

The Sidney Powell

Irrefutable evidence of a game-changing frozen Daiquiri, or maybe a Tom Collins, but regardless it’s a drink that definitely exists, and it will be served at an appropriate point in the very near future.

The Dominion

A perfect Old-Fashioned until a rigged bartending algorithm, financed by George Soros and Hugo Chávez, turns it into a Negroni.

The Fuzzy Pence

A blend of milks (cow, oat, of magnesia) with a decadent splash of O’Doul’s, because “what the hey, it’s a special occasion!” Turns out to be weak. Too weak. Should have gone with a Rusty Flynn.

The Calling Arizona for Sleepy Joe

From a recipe on the Fox News site, but ingredients not to be trusted. We have many, many, so many verified reports of bottle after bottle of illegally imported tequila and mezcal lining up to be poured as tonic water or grenadine.

The Red Mirage

Beautiful, beautiful Campari swamped by a huge dump of blue curaçao.

The Team Crazy

Gimme another “Diet Pepsi”—what, are you kidding? You’re serving me that? If you believe that I really want a Diet Pepsi, you’ll believe that eighty thousand dead people didn’t vote in Philadelphia. Pour the gin in the Pepsi can, dummy.

The Last Call

Whatever’s left behind the bar. Throw it in a glass. Maybe there’s something in the fridge. Just go on TV and declare it a cocktail.

The Detached from Reality

We’ll have what the Big Guy is having. ♦

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