Dear valued customer,
We’ve received your request to unsubscribe from FLCN, the world’s premier falcon subscription service. To confirm: You’d never again like to receive a live bird of prey, delivered directly to your door, correct?
So that we may better assist you, please explain the ways in which your life style is incompatible with caring for an ever-increasing number of fearsome winged hunters. Have you found our falcons lacking? How many small mammals are they catching each week, on average?
Thanks for responding to our questions about your experience with FLCN (now in our fourth round of V.C. funding!). We’re sorry, but no, we can’t disclose who signed you up for our falcon subscription service, as the gift-giver chose to remain anonymous.
Aren’t falcons majestic? It was hard to part with those tawny kestrels we sent out last month. On that subject, we still don’t have quite enough information to cancel your subscription. Please let us know more specifically how you’re being burdened by regular deliveries of the world’s most beautiful—and terrifying—animals.
Team Talon at FLCN
Did you know that falcons (and in fact all modern birds) are descended from dinosaurs? Cool, right? But we understand that you’ve had difficulty keeping twelve (soon to be thirteen!) of these awe-inspiring creatures in your small urban apartment. And we’re so sorry about the loss of your chihuahua. Our legal team (cc’d here) is usually very helpful with these matters.
Best of luck!
The FLCN flock
Hope you’re enjoying the Falco hypoleucos, or gray falcon, that we sent you last Monday. And yep, you guessed it! That means we’re still unable to cancel your subscription.
Jen, the truth is that we have a lot of falcons over here. Dozens and dozens of them. We spend thousands of dollars on chicken carcasses every week, just to keep them fed! As you are one of our seven valued subscribers, your continued support is invaluable.
Your feathered friends at FLCN
Dear Ms. Wyatt,
We are appalled. Our shipping coördinator informed us that you refused delivery of our last falcon, which is currently in limbo at a UPS hub in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. This stunning creature is now an office mascot named Nacho that subsists on Dunkin’ Donuts breakfast burritos.
Jen, one does not simply reject falcons. If we’re unable to make our regular, scheduled deliveries, we do have other means.
Lock your windows, Jen.